saudade.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

& whenever i look at the night sky, i always get reminded of you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLINGGG!!!
haha, today's my darling's birthday and i'm so glad that she was happy!
love you!

CHEM TEST tomorrow!
rahh, went to study with wx today but couldn't get much into my head.
was like at McDonald's and it was so noisy please.
ok lah, mayb it was my fault for choosing such an inappropriate place for studying.
but nonetheless, my brain was just unreceptive to the tons of the notes in front of me.

my ankle is hurting like crazy
and the burning sensation every now and then makes things worse.
and it's so difficult getting round in school.
was like wanting to go to the washroom today
but due to the fact that i walk REALLY SLOWLY, i decided against it
cos i would have missed a whole lot of lesson.
and you have no idea how much that kinda feeling sucks.

netballers had fitness test today.
praying mantis was super fast for the dash can
and new weights programme for b div looked hiong.

was so very pissed ytd with you-know-who, or mayb you don't know who
but whatever the case, i was just sorely disappointed and extremely upset.
wanted to whack ___ with my crutches, literally.

and dixun is such a kind soul please.
due to my walking/limping with crutches, it's taking a toil on my arms
so dixun piggybacked me back to class.
so nice can, i was absolutely touched.

lunch/illegal dinner with gang on sun was painful/full/stinky(???)
lol, i bet the manager was so pissed with us.
cos she was like pointing at our table while talking to her colleague.
oh well, *shrugs* too bad :P

don't think i'll be able to run for track and field during heart.sports anymore.
given my current condition.
sighs, how sad.

WARNING

whatever that's written after this may be considered emo by some people.

plus some pissifying comments.

so if you're not in the mood for it, please skip this part.

DOWN AND OUT.

i feel so horrible right now, cause even my toddler cousin can walk faster than me.

pathetic-ness/uselessness/fear/anguish/desperation/inferiority threatens to drive me insane.

even going to the washroom is a bother.

i walk freakingishly slowly and the kinda look i get from some people are just

DOWNRIGHT ANNOYING.

say, how would you feel if you went out in my state and people just gave you the stare

"you're just holding us up, move aside, you should just go home."

say, how would you feel if even something so basic such as going to the washroom is a bother for you.

say, how would you feel if you see everyone around you improving so fast, yet there's nothing you can do to improve your own standards.

say, how would you feel if that's so dang much you CAN'T do just because of the fact that you're not 100% mobile.

say, how would you feel if you can't even carry your own books when you're moving from one class to another.

say, how would you feel if you can't even get home on your own and had to ask for help all the time.

all i ever wanted was to play well.

yet now i can't even walk properly.

i'm not back at square one, i've gone way further than that; i've retreated into the negative zone.

missing OBS certainly took its toil on me.

i so wanted to enjoy the entire trip with my watch

but before i could even do any activity, i had to injure myself.

and poof, there goes my chances at OBS

& suddenly i feel that my chances at Bdiv are also vanishing.

everyone's telling me that it'll be ok.

but somehow there's just this thing inside me that tells me that

the recovery ain't happening anytime soon.

when i sprained it, i knew that it was no minor sprain.

it hurts like crazy, and it sure looked and looks bad.

stop wallowing in self pity, you might say.

but i'm not, i''m merely expressing my fears and insecurities.

and you, for heavens' sake.

if you say something, mean it please.

don't say something or agree to something then change your mind so very last min.

that kinda thing sucks big time.

if you wanna play me out, at least wait till i'm fully mobile can?

what you did just blew me right off the top cos' i thought we were friends.

well, guess i was wrong ~~again~~.

what in the world made me believe that you'll actually be there for me?

after all that i've been told, i still took the chance, i gotta be the dumbest of all people.

but still, i was just so ugh with your kinda attitude.

if you changed your mind last min, at least be the gentleman and tell me before-hand.

guess you're not what i thought you were.

i'm not just some toy you can play with when you feel down

then when you bounce back from your depressions,

treat me like shit.

i thought you were serious about being friends, that's why i chose to give it another try.

that's gotta be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

i don't deserve this kinda crap, at least not from someone like you.

i'm so very fed up/pissed/disgusted/appalled by the way you act.

so forget it, i'm not going to be bothered with this mess anymore.

and i felt so terribly confused when i heard abt ___ &____.

but then again, it wasn't even mine in the first place.

so why is there is sense of disappointment in me?

i wanted to laugh when i heard about it, yet there was something inside threatening to break.

my laugh sounded so fake, i think even he knew.

i just thought that we had a friendship going between us.

yet now, you don't even give a shit about anything.

all you care about is ____.

i just feel hurt i guess.

it's the kinda feeling you get when someone important to you treats you the exact opposite.

sighs, told them that it didn't matter anymore.

yet what he said was so true.

"hey, it sure doesn't look like it doesn't matter to you."

too bad if i'm an open book.

well, i admit that it does get to me, but it didn't surprise me.

guess sometimes you just gotta lower your expectations.

so if it's really of no importance,

why do i feel like as if my heart is pained somewhat?