saudade.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Oh God, you will send me a guardian angel won't you?

i've only realised what a coward i've become these recent weeks.
i've found out that i no longer want to ask questions or care too much about anything.
cause what you don't care about can't hurt you.
i no longer want to ask questions cause i don't think i have the courage to hear the plain truth.
instead, i just pretend that everything's gonna be alright, and it actually works cause
when you keep feeding yourself with a lie, you'll eventually come to believe it on your own.
everytime a question hangs on my lips, i think that asking it will make things better.
but what if i can't face the answers?
what if i'm not as good as you think i am?
what if i tried and failed again, would it still be worth my effort?
even the best fall down sometimes, but how do we get up?
people tell us that we can stand on our own two feet but what if,
just what if i no longer have the strength? will someone come to my rescue then?
when you hold no expectations, you can't be disappointed.
just like how you can't lose something you never had cause there was nothing to start with.
what if one day someone came along and told you that
everything you thought you knew is not what you think it is?
like how the blue oceans are not actually blue but green;
you've been the one that's been taught wrongly.
what do you do, do you embrace it or ignore it?
what if all you ever wanted was just love and concern but no matter how and where you looked,
you could never find it?
sure, you see other people basking in it, but you were always on the outside.
the spectator and never the participant.
what if one day you've had enough of what you're suppose to do?
the grades you're suppose to achieve, the behaviour you're suppose to have,
the good student you're suppose to be, the daughter that's suppose to be bringing her mum pride.
what if you chose to walk out on what you were suppose to do,
would that shatter the balance of things and who would be the ones who suffer?
what if i chose to give up everything that's right in front of me now,
would that be considered a wrong choice and on what basis do you claim so?
do i let people go if i truly love them, or am i simply trusting them to come back?
or should i take them back, and even if i do,
does that make me selfish or do i just not want them to live through the same agony?
on what basis do we differertiate right from wrong, and who came up with this basis?
what if he was wrong, what if he was also misled, then what will we do?
what if all you ever wanted was a second chance to make things right,
another try to patch things up but you were never given it?
what if you were actually given that second chance but you blew it?
what does that make you?
a liar, a failure, a loser or simply human?
how many second do we get andhow many have we actually exploited?
what if the person you loved made a decision you hate,
you would still love that person wouldn't you?
there's a thin line between love and hate and sometimes,
you think that you're on the right side of the line but before you know it,
the line has caught up with you and you've ended up on the wrong side.
what if everyone you knew told you that you were worth more than you deem yourself to be,
are they necessarily right?
this pretentious facade is taking its toil on me.
in life, we all wear masks thinking we can reinvent ourselves and after time,
we actually slip into our own lie.
but deep down, we know that just a little carelessness can whip that mask right off our face,
and leave us back at square one yet again.
what if i wanted to stop dancing in this masquerade but there was no way of getting out
simple cause everyone else is dancing, should i stop or just continue?
and how will anyone know that if i stopped, i won't get trampled on?
sometimes when we get tired of reality, when we're sick of the real world,
we create virtual world to escape to. is that considered healthy or not?
what if running away to another temporarily is the only way to keep our sanity,
would that make a difference in the way people view fantasies?
what if all we wanted to do was to unleash that kid deep inside us yet cannot do so
because we've been taught not to?
does that make the teaching wrong, or are we just bad students?
if you were told a lie, is the liar the only one at fault?
cause a lie need both sides for it to work,
the person who tells it and the person who believes.
then again, we simply chose to trust in humankind, which is the reason why we believe
so when we find out that they've been lying, what do we do?
is it ever possible to love someone yet not trust them?
is it possible to built relationships, be it between friends, family or lovers, without trust?
what if you don't trust someone anymore yet you want things to work,
how far would you go to make things right?
what if decisions bombarded you from every direction
and you know that they're all so intricately linked that if you made one wrong move,
it would destroy all the others?
what if such pressure was on your shoulders,
would you take it up and step away?
and if you stepped away, what would that make you?
a coward or simple fearful?
what if promises were broken, is it just the usual norm or does it reflect something?
sometimes we wish that we can go back in time and undo this or that,
but no matter whether we're fat, skinny, ugly or pretty,
we just can't.
no matter how hard we try, i've realised, there are just somethings we cannot do.
people always use this expression "she/he crossed the line"
but where exactly is that line drawn?
cause where your line is may not be where mine is.
what if you got so sick of quarrelling that you take s backseat,
you let the person pull a punch into your stomch, or scream at you?
you keep allowing it to happen, even when blood starts trickling down the side of your face.
is that called giving up or compromise?
what if the only reason why you kept everyone out was because all that have come in
have torn a piece of your heart out when they left?

tell me, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?