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Sunday, December 27, 2009

i think i'm drowning, asphyxiated
once again a prisoner of my own thoughts



i know it's not exactly usual for one to be feeling sad during christmas but i am. not as in the hardcore emo sorta sad, just the bittersweet hue of feeling. perhaps it's because it's coming to the end of the year, but somehow i catch myself thinking about 2009 - all the choices i've made, the foolish screwed up things i've done, and i find myself wanting to rectify all of that. only to find that i can't, because it's no longer in my power to do so.

at the very end, we are indeed powerless. we might try to fight for loads of things, broken friendships and disintegrated relationships. but we'll come to understand that we can't acheive all that on our own. we can be the richest, prettiest, most charismatic, tallest, most sociable person, but that still does not guarantee that we can fix whatever we've broken.

like what we grow up knowing, it takes two hands to clap. and i've come to realize for myself the true meaning of that. i want to mend a friendship, only to find that the other party has moved on and forgotten about the entire issue.

you want to start a relationship all over again, but realize that there's already someone else in the other person's life. you find that the only place you have now in the other person's life is the seat of an outlooker, and not the seat you used to have right in the center of the person's heart. it slowly dawns on you that the person no longer thinks about you, and that text he is waiting eagerly for does not have your name signed on it. he looks at other couples in love and the face that comes into his mind is not you but another person. he writes love notes and sings love songs no longer seeing your face in front of him. to him you're just someone he knew.

there is only so much we can do with broken pieces.