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Sunday, February 21, 2010

lips are turning blue, a kiss i can't renew
i only dream of you, my beautiful.


i wish i could find it in me to hate you, somehow. but you know i can't. this is killing me. yes i'm pissed, not in the mad-i-am-really-furious way but in a hurt kinda pissed. we used to be so strong, and remember that time when you promised me that you'll never leave me? you really shouldn't have said those words if you didn't mean them. you're always on my mind and i swear on my life that i'm trying my best to get out of this hellhole.

your apologies hold no value to me anymore. maybe i was bitchfitting, but this has been a persistent problem. and i can't stand it. the worst thing is that you're still constantly on my mind. i go to bed sometimes dreaming of you, only to wake up to the embrace of reality. there is only so much i can take. you say you love me and i wonder why you still do such shit. the irony being, you know what's getting to me, you do, yet you still do it. you do it, and just when i've finally convinced myself that i don't need you, you say something or do something that makes me forget all the crap you threw my way.

but this time, things feel as though they've changed. we seem to have crossed that line, and i don't know how things will be for us from now on. i refuse to let you linger on my mind because i know the consequences if i did, and i can't afford that.

and it breaks my being to realize that when i was tearing that night, it was in your arms i wanted to be in. it was you i wanted to text, it was you i wanted to call.

but that was also when i realized that i don't know what you and i are anymore.