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Thursday, April 01, 2010

would it have been so difficult for you to have a little faith in me. as much i know it's practical but damn, did i really need your words there and then?

welcome to the club, where people are "concerned" about me. except that the concern is not so much of concern but "why are you so problematic" kinda concern. why not take your place among all the rest, right there on that pedestral, who talks to me this way as well? go ahead, perhaps i should custom make crowns for all of you, then i can fall on my knees and be eternally grateful that you're so 'concerned' for me.

you know that feeling that teeters between disgust, disappointment, sadness and anger when the person you thought should have the most faith in you turns out to be the person with the least? it drives you mad and it eats at you. do you honestly think that i don't know what are the consequences of my actions, what it would mean if i don't succeed this time? hell yes, of course i know what's at risk. the way you spoke, the look in your eyes, it was exactly the same as theirs, yes them. the ones who make me sick because they specialize in making you feel like you're nothing to them, that you are of no worth whatsoever.

i refuse to believe in that. i refuse to be jaded by what people think of me, of whatever life throws my way. and i've always thought you won't do the same to me. i don't have to fit into your concept of 'normal' for me to be of worth.

and why do you act as if i've already failed when no one knows the result? isn't there a hint of possibility that i might just succeed this time around? why is it so hard for you to believe in that? sometimes when life is spiraling down, you lose your footing, you doubt yourself and all you need is someone to still believe in you.

what's the point of you apologizing when i know you'll never change? sure it calms the storm and loosen the tension but  it doesn't alter the way you think. i hate this, fcuking hate it. i'm sick and tired of feeling like second class just because i'm not who you want me to be.