saudade.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Seems to be like i've been missing sch pretty often this year.. I think the sch thinks tt Im ponning sch.. which ain't exactly a good thing.. haiz.. but it was like today wasn't feeling good.. and i overslept so i jus decided to skip sch.. then it was the sch called my house lor.. wth.. then ask me y i din come sch.. haiz..

but i feel really bad.. its like i missed fitness run today.. i don't noe y but i jus feel so isolated from the team.. feel like as if im like out of place.. like as if i don't belong.. mayb im jus thinking too much bah.. but tts jus how i feel..

i jus feel so out wherever i go. doesn't matter whether its sch, church, training or whatever.. it jus seems like i dun belong.. Its like i noe ppl but I dunno them.. contradictory but tts how i feel..
___ told me tt mayb its time i started the journey on my own and i guess so too.. but going on without ppl jus seems to be like walking in the tunnel without light and grasping in the darkness, never knowing when it will end. sometimes i jus wish for something different.. tt mayb i wont be so different.. so out.. i jus feel so alone sometimes.. its like sometimes i wish tt there's someone who will be jus there to listen. as a fren.. jus to play the role of listening.. and really understanding.. everyone's like so busy.. but i guess its life.. ppl cant be there all the time..

i felt really lousy on wed.. it was like everyone's really doing well in life.. ck, qw, sm,wl are all becoming ex cos.. and like cyn is serving in the council.. but im like nothing.. but anw, CONGRATS to them all :] must jia you.. and cyn, must do RVNB proud hor in council.. ur the only one left there.

it suddenly feels like everything i've known is a lie.. everything.. mayb im wrong.. i sure hope so.. i jus feel like crying sometimes.. but i know i've gotta stay strong.. but sometimes im jus so sick of everything.. but im gonna stay positive.. cos I've got God in my life..

dunno whether i shld go for training tomorrow.. but its like i din train today so mayb i shld go tomorrow.. haiz.. also dunno lah.. my mum doesn't really approve of it either.. hv to see how first..

I felt so much like breaking down.
But I've forgotten how.
Sometimes just be there for me
As a fren.

i miss the times we went out jus to hv fun.
sometimes jus as frens
the times when we'll jus do random stuff.
and not be conscious of anything.
i miss those times.
before ppl started objecting.
and making life hard for us.

i miss going out with the team jus to eat and talk crap.
those times when we'll laugh ourselves silly.
and talk abt everything under the sun..
those times when we'll jus make fun of each other..
but yet, encourage each other when things get tough.
the sweat, the training, the torture, the fun, the laughter, the suanning and tao-ing, the crappiness, the team spirit.
everything
all those times..
can never be captures in photos or whatsoever
only in memories..

i miss those times when i'll be jus able to tell my mum everything..
before we started quarrelling abt everything small little detail.
before doubt set in
those times when we were good frens..
the times when we'll try out new stuff together.
the times when we were really close.
i miss them so much

i miss those times when i thought we were good frens..
jus crapping around.
doing outrageous stuff
and embarassing ourselves.
the times when we'll jus talk really loudly
like as if the world was ours.
before everything feel apart.

i miss those times when we'll jus go out as the best group of frens.
the times when we knew each other's lives
from A to Z
when we were always there for each other.
helping each other along.
when we'll jus go out and hv the most amazing times.
those times.

i miss those times when i knew what i wanted and how to get it.
when i knew myself and my values.
the times when i din hv to live a lie.
the times when my life was transparent.
when i knew what i was doing.
and when i stuck to my principles
and everything i thought true.