saudade.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

the anger. the frustration. the irritated-ness.

I can't take it anymore.
I think that I seriously need to change.
I can't go on like this.
It has all become so ugly.
My actions and behavior.
So ugly.

Jus practically broke down during heart.sports today.
Everything that I've feeling for the last few days
Emotions that i didn't know was there and all the stress.
Jus cried and cried.
Blew up at pastor and still feeling bad about it.
It wasn't his fault anyway.
I just cried.
Couldn't take it anymore.
Everything that has been building up.
Don't even know why.
Then it was like crying then I just asked Norvin
"Can you sit next to me please?"
My voice was breaking like crazy.
Then when I asked him that, I just started to cry again.
It just kept coming.
I seriously felt alone then.
But I know I wasn't.
First time that I cried so much in front of church people.
But I just couldn't help it.
Couldn't stop it.
The tears just hit me and there was nothing I could do except to let it out.
Even now, I'm on the verge on crying.
I feel so... human.
Like the front I've been putting up has been ripped from me
And that there's nothing I can do except to expose the vulnerable side of me.
The human side.
I feel that God has really taught me a lesson today.
I can't go on in life like that.
I don't want to either.
It's just causing me to fall.
I'm going to shed it.
With God's help and grace.
Today has just been a bad day.
I'm seriously going to break down again.
But no, I'm going to keep strong.
But the waves of tears just keeps hitting me
I really can't take it anymore.
I feel like my world's breaking down.
I just need to let it all out.
And to really break down.
Somewhere safe, some place where no one will see.
I'm trying to act happy but I'm not.
I just feel so ripped up.

Thanks for everything today
Trying to cheer me up.

Labels: anger, Breakdown, fear and frustration, tears